She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
