My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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