I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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