I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
