i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
