new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"