I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
