I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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