Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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