I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
