So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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