She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I think your dad took our porno
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Randomize
