Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
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