I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I didn't shave. On purpose
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Randomize
