No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
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