He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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