Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
