I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
