i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
