it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
