I can text with my tongue
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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