Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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