dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
