This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
