it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
