and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
