I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
