nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
