My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
