You're so nebulous sometimes
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
