Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
