Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
