This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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