then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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