Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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