I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
