quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
