i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
