I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
