if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
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