I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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