Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
