the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Randomize
