I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Randomize
