If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Randomize
