dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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