i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
