nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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