I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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