Someone shit on the floor
never play flip cup with pint glasses
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
