Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
