I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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