i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
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