Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
