Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
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