I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
