After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
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