i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
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This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
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yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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