I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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