So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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