I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Randomize
